Brittany Spears on MTV cribs

G-mail announces plan to rid the world of drunk emails!!!  After a certain time g-mail will now make you answer math problems in order to send your emails.  

Its a great idea if your worried about sending emails that you will regret later, but what if your just a DUMB ASS?  "Damn it g-mail I really need to send this email but this question was not on my G.E.D. exam!"

Calculus?????? I need to go back to Yahoo!

Living next to a 24-hour wal-mart is not as exciting as one might think... After 11pm they stop rolling back prices and start rolling back quality employees...

HEY YOU GUYYYSSSSS!!!!! I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON ISLE 7!

VH1 announces new series:

Scott Baio is 47 and NO ONE CARES!!!!!!

I saw this lady breast feeding today which at first made me pretty excited... then I took a look at the kid.. he was like 4 years old!  Ladies if your son is old enough to pull a reach around and undo your bra, its time to ween him of the teet!

So I was watching this special on the fattest man alive...

My question is how do you get to the point where you are too fat to get out of bed?  One night you go to sleep and the next day you wake up like ahh... I think ill just stay in bed for the next 5 years!

sometimes it pays to shop for other insurance... its my job to try to retain a customer when they want to cancel their policy.. sometimes that is very difficult... I had a guy today who was saving $1500 a year by switching.. what can i say to get him to say?  Yes sir, I understand thats a lot of money but, we have 24 hour customer service!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

In 7th grade I called my english teacher  "Gay" and got sent home from school for the day.  

When I got home my Dad was waiting for me.. He just started going crazy yelling at me about calling people Gay and he told me I didn't know what Gay was.  

I remember him yelling, "I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT A FAGGOT IS!!!!!!!"

he showed me...........  We went shopping for 9 and 1/2 hours.

So I'm sitting at the airport and there was just an announcement on the loud speaker that went something like... "Thank you for flying out of Tampa International Airport, due to increased security risks some items may no longer be taken on flights. These items include weapons, hazarderous materials, and any cuttlery equipment. If you need specific details on what these items include please visit the security booth"...

I think what they meant to say is... "Hey dumbasses, dont try bring your guns or bombs on our planes, if you dont know what a weapon is im obviously not talking to you, and I'm not to sure if your mentally fit to be wondering around without a helmet on. Thanks for flying tampa international."

I've recently learned that 90% of people who suffer from depression are losers.

what is my biggest fear in life...    dinosaurs...

I think cold sores are the worst thing that could ever happen to a person.  Not only do I look like a complete ass, but it feels like I have aids on my lip.

I think its funny when little kids say bad words...

Why is it whenever someone goes to another country and comes back with photos there is always at least one picture of a McDonald's or KFC?  They are exactly the same as the ones down the road!  Did you really need to travel to Costa Rica for me to see a KFC; or are you just fascinated that the Ricans(of Costa) like the colonels chicken as much as you do?

                               

Sometimes I wish my brother was retarded so I could get a new house...

My sister dates a lot of black guys... Its not because she looks good or puts out, but she has great credit...  My parents should've just named her Co-signer.

Why are 97% of stereotypes true... and why are 76% of statistics made up on the spot?

I have a friend that is living in Switzerland.  The world clock on my iPhone says they're 6 hours ahead of us... If she has a kid does that mean her baby is born in the future?

I'm an insurance agent.  People call me all the time asking for lower rates.  This guy called in the other day and wanted to know how to get his rates lower.  In the last year he had DUI's.  I don't think you need to be an insurance agent to know that if you want to pay less for insurance, YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK AND DRIVE! 

I'm all for equal opportunity employment, but at some point we need to draw the line.  I went to Burger King today and had Terry Schiavo taking my order.  It took 45 minutes to get my chicken sandwich.

I know this girl who hates her teacher..... She's homeschooled.  I think she may have bigger issues then geometry.

The Begining of the Future

This blog entry will be the first and last of its kind.......

this blog will become quick and light daily thoughts that should make you rotfl jk just lol

For starters welcome to my blog..

I am Matt Sorrentino sometimes known as Turtle(before entourage btw).  From NJ live in FL.  Im fat and well aware of it.  I want to be famous and wealthy.  I can succeed at almost everything and am satisfied by almost nothing but I am far from pessimistic.  

It is my time.. or at least it will be soon!